These last few months we’ve been giving you pretty regular updates on our wedding planning progress, and indeed lack of progress (although with the wedding countdown well and truly under way we’ll be filling you in on a few of our larger decisions in the coming weeks!), but it’s some time since we heard from the fourth member of the Bride Vs Groom team. I realise that you’ve not actually heard from our third, somewhat silent member at all, but as Liam writes mostly in html and actual technical wizardry we assume that any attempt to write English would cause google to crash and possibly implode. In fact his last attempt at writing in a form mere humans can understand was actually a letter to his bank manager back in 2007. He sends his apologies by the way.
No the fourth team member of whom I speak is of course our more furry companion, AKA Small Dog, AKA Paddington Bear, AKA “BAD DOG!” Although it is a while since we heard from my fiercest rival for Dom’s affections the little monster certainly hasn’t been idle. Well, actually he has been almost entirely idle, it’s a dog’s life after all, but by his standards it’s been a very busy time.
For starters there’s the almost full-time task of plotting my death before the wedding. Recent attempts include tying me up with his lead whilst crossing a main road, gnawing with admirable commitment at the handbrake of my car and an impressively elaborate plan involving an armed policeman, a cocked leg and a bag of flour. Then of course there’s the guard duty to fit in, although senior management have been considering doing some retraining after noticing that whilst birds and postmen were indeed struggling to reach the house complete strangers were welcomed in with wagging tail. Despite this massive time commitment though the biggest draw on our young friend’s time though has undoubtedly been his evening computer class.
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Much as I’d like to believe it, the class was not, I fear, taken due to his natural dogged desire to keep up to date with the latest technology. Nor was it really connected to Apple’s careful canine marketing of the latest IPad, much as I’m sure Paddington appreciates them taking the time to create a device targeted specifically at him (although as he demonstrated the other day the crystal clear retina screen still needs some work re: scratch resistance before it can really dominate the Cruft’s market). No, the reason for this sudden interest is that Dominique is not the only target of this Dog’s affections.
Whilst Dom and I’s imminent nuptials make me probably the more urgent of his problems he’s not altogether happy with Liam either, for when Liam’s partner Leanne comes to visit Small Dog can barely decide which of his ladies should be granted his attention first. The answer is more often than not both as he takes the middle seat of the sofa with Liam and I generally relegated to another room. However, with Leanne currently working abroad for lengthy stints Small Dog’s ill-disguised plans to split the pair and keep the pieces for himself are proving somewhat difficult to enact. Their constant Skype conversations are proving a definite thorn in his side and it appears that he has decided the time to act is now, and that IT lessons were necessary in planning his evil cyber-attack.
Lesson 1: How to set up a computer. Small Dog thought he was in for an easy ride on this one. Apparently computers have a power cable in the back of them that makes them work – a bit of careful chewing should sort that one out! Unfortunately Liam owns virtually every web enabled device on the planet and after discovering that the first lead wasn’t all that tasty he really couldn’t be bothered to gnaw through the rest.
Lesson 2: Word Processing. Plans to perhaps write a fake breakup letter from Liam and send it to Leanne proved instantly flawed when the spellchecker failed to understand the complexities and various subtle spelling differences delineating the various connotations of the words “Woof” and “Squirrel”.
Lesson 3: The Internet. Now this was more like it – a well placed email or a change in facebook relationship status might just do the trick if he could just learn how to do it! Fortunately for Liam and Leanne Paddington was swiftly thrown off the course after something of a misunderstanding. With Small Dog struggling with the language options and trying to find something more appropriate for his own browsing he clicked on the link that said something about “Doggy style”, producing rather embarrassing results. Though much mention was made of both balls and bones this was definitely NOT suitable for canine eyes.
So it seems that the young pup will have to wait until his mistress’s return to action his evil plans; plenty of time to chew things over (probably including my socks) and try to stop mine and Dom’s wedding in the meantime.
NO PADDINGTON! STOP EATING THE INVITATIONS!!
BAD DOG!
