Ok, so it’s pretty much a given that on her wedding day the bride will look radiant, beautiful, amazing… need I say more? But what about us grooms? Alright, we get a pretty sharp suit to wear, but wheras my bride is already busily preparing herself for the big day with a special wedding diet, various beauty treatments and the knowledge that she fully expects to spend the morning of the wedding having her hair carefully styled and makeup seamlessly applied, I’m the kind of guy who generally spends 40 seconds sorting his hair in the morning and is often found sporting a beard by the end of the week because most days I can’t be bothered shaving. Now I’m quite happy with this: as long as people aren’t repulsed by the very site of me and run off screaming “WHY GOD WHY??” when they see me I’m not bothered about looking perfect on a day to day basis. My wedding, however, apparently qualifies as something of a special occasion, and with Dom desperate for those perfect wedding photos where everything and everyone looks amazing the pressure’s on for me to really make the effort!
So, I need to look as perfect as the Bride (yeah right!), but where do we guys go for advice about looking our best for the big day? I’m not sure it’s a topic that’s going to go down that well down the pub! I guess I could just ask my body nicely to look good and will those spots away but it’s never listened to me before! Should I stroll straight into Boots and boldly ask what I’ve near asked before… “I’m a groomingaphobic and I need help”? Sounds like some sort of weird AA meeting!
So just who CAN I ask? Actually, one person does spring to mind… a friend of mine who is much ribbed for his always impeccable appearance (the hair’s glued on, I swear…he doesn’t go to get his hair cut, he actually has it carved by a skilled carpenter…) I like to think I’m a good friend though so he shall remain anonymous in this particular discussion… I’ll save revealing to his other mates just how much this friend knows about skincare for his own best man speech! I hope he can help though, if I have to ask any of my other friends I’ll never live it down!
The next day I awoke with a cunning plan: A video call so he can’t just humour me and take the mick! If my friend shows the slightest sun of a laugh, snigger or snort the conversation will immediately be exterminated Doctor Who style!
So, after customarily ascertaining our masculinity through the medium of discussing the footie it was time for an awkward cough and here we go….
Oh right… we need to keep this anonymous and we’re aiming to look suave and sophisticated… there’s only one codename that fits the bill…
The name’s Bond…James Bond!
(Actually he’s really not that cool… he reminds me more of Jennie Bond to be honest! …)
Matt: Help!
007: What’s the problem bud?
Matt: Ok. These are the rules. No laughing. No sniggering. No smirking. No
007: Ok. Ok. Enough I get your drift.
Matt: (very quietly) You’re into all that, (ahem) skin care cra… stuff right?
007: What? I can’t hear you, speak up.
Matt: I said skin care.
007: What about it?
Matt: I’m talking about my skin care.
007: What? (A Slight flicker of a smile edges across the face)
Matt: Remember the rules… my finger is hovering above the disconnect button here…
007: Right, fire away, what advice do you need?
Matt: Well, Dom wants me looking good for the wedding photos… actually I think she’s only marrying me for the photos the way she goes on about them but that’s a whole other story…
007: Ok ok…..how much water do you drink?
Matt: Eh?
007: Water…and no tea doesnt count!
Matt: Grr!
007: (ill-disguised chuckle). You need to drink up to eight glasses of water a day to stop yourself becoming dehydrated. It also flushes toxins from your body which in turn helps reduce spots. Savvy?
Matt: More water… alright I can do that, I expected this to be much more painful! No cotton wool in sight!
007: Yet.
Matt: Thought it sounded too good to be true.
007: Prior to shaving… actually what the hell is that beard… you remember shaving right? Anyway, prior to shaving you need to cleanse your skin. It needn’t be anything too fancy; warm water and a facial wash will do. What you need to remember is that it has to be done every day. Oh and don’t forget to pat your skin dry especially around the eyes.
Matt: Is that it then?
007: What do you think?
Matt: That will be a no then.
007: Got it in one!
Matt: Mmm.
007: Shaving.
Matt: Yeah alright, I get it, I need a shave, yes I do know how to do it regardless of my dishevelled appearance so let’s move on. I just need to know about skin care.
007: Shaving, skin… see the connection?
Matt: Alright yeah but all men know all about shaving, come to think about it so do women so we really can skip this.
007: Ok if you answer this question correctly.
Matt: Ok… is the answer Gillette?
007: Your starter for one. What level of SPF should you use after shaving?
Matt: SPF… Scottish Premiership Football?? Oh hang on that’s the SPL… (Long pause whilst the mouse that powers my brain gets up from his slumber and begins to trot lazily on his wheel…) Isn’t SPF something to do with sun cream or something?
007: It’s not just for sun cream it helps to stop the drying of the skin by the wind and ageing of the skin from exposure to the sun. Let’s get back to shaving. You need to shave after a shower or a bath.
Matt: Any particular reason?
007: The bristles are softer and shaving is consequently easier and never ever shave with a blunt blade.
Matt: Define blunt… how long do those things actually stay sharp for?
007: Decent razor? ‘Bout a week.
Matt: What?? Ok remind me to go buy some new blades.
007: Next. Massaging you skin in circular movements with your finger tips will….
Matt: Eh?
007: promote circulation, make your skin look healthier and promote a healthy glow.
Matt: Really?
007: Facials…
Matt: whoa, steady on, we’re entering serious girl territory here! Facials?? You’re taking the P*** now. Seriously? I mean c’mon.
007: no I am being serious but I think that’s probably all you can take on board for now.
And with that the connection went blank… just like my brain! Hopefully he’ll ring back before next week!
But for now that’s quite enough of that… anyone fancy a game of footie followed by a BBQ, several pints and lots of staring at women? See, it’s all perfectly macho, nothing to see here…
Carlsberg don’t do skin care, but if they did… it would probably largely consist of throwing beer on your face which from drunken experience isn’t that great an idea and doubles as a pretty minging cologne… actually wise move Carlsberg, don’t bother diversifying!
