I Hate Public Speaking: Tips For Delivering A Great Groom’s Speech

I hate public speaking.

This is without doubt the phrase that I have heard most from grooms just before they get married… well, that and “god I’m nervous about my speech!” I’m yet to meet a groom who has genuinely looked forward to it, and for me I couldn’t have been more nervous about my own groom’s speech.

For some people talking to a large group of people seems irritatingly natural: they’re just born performers, they have no fear, they own the stage, they’re witty, confident…basically they’re utter b*******s. For the rest of us we just have to drink our way through the nausea, shallow breathing and the feeling that every single person in the room thinks you’re a blithering idiot.

Well I’ve got news for you… the people “born to perform” are just as nervous as you are.

I’ve worked backstage on countless theatre productions and events and in the run up to a show I’ve seen it all. In most theatres right up until the moment the house opens you’ll find actors on stage running through their lines, doing breathing exercises, checking, re-checking and triple checking their props and going crazy if something’s even slightly out of place. Why? Because every public performer fears looking like an idiot on stage. I’ve seen actors freeze completely and end up just standing in a daze during a show they’ve been performing every night for six months. No-one’s completely immune from it. Before a big show comedians are rarely wandering around backstage cracking jokes and having a laugh with everyone, they’re more likely to be pacing up and down going over their routine. I’ve actually had a comedian refuse to come on for the second half unless I adjusted the lighting because he could see too much of the audience and it made him nervous!

Delivering my own Groom’s speech! Photography by Ed Peers

So why am I telling you this? Simply to help you realise that you’re not on your own. For some reason public speaking seems to be something we inherently don’t enjoy. Professional speakers can do it because they learn techniques and learn how to ‘own the stage’. They have the same nagging self doubts you do but they’ve learnt to control it, and that’s something you can do too. A speech isn’t just about what you say, it’s a performance, and even if you’re nervous of what you’ve written down a good performance can push you through it. So how can you help yourself deliver a good speech?

1. Learn it. I finished writing my speech the night before the wedding and I regretted it massively. People only look confident on stage if they’re confident in their material. If you don’t know it (and you’re not extremely good at improvisation) it’s going to make you much more nervous and that’s going to show to your guests. Although prompt cards are always a good idea for a speech (we’ll talk more about that shortly) you need to know your speech off by heart in order to truly feel confident about it
2. Remember they’re a friendly crowd. They’re your friends and family, they want to enjoy your speech and they want to be supportive of you. They’ll laugh and interact much more easily than a regular crowd!
3. Speak with confidence. The comedians that get booed off stage are the ones that clearly don’t have confidence in their own material. Speak with authority and people will go with it, honestly! Don’t try to hide behind a piece of paper or speak quietly, boom it out and look up. You don’t need to actually make eye contact but you do need to look like you want to.
4. Use prompt cards. Have the speech written on easy to read cards or something similar. iPads can also work well but make sure you disable standby mode AND stop it from spinning when you turn the screen! I accidently spun the screen halfway through my speech and it turned around and moved to the wrong place throwing me completely! The prompt cards aren’t just there to remind you though, the biggest problem people have when speaking is not knowing what to do with their hands. Having a card in one hand gives you an easy prop, and you can gesture with the other to look more natural whilst avoiding “dead hands” or being too flamboyant!
5. BREATHE. When you get nervous your heart beats faster. When that happens you naturally take more sharp, shallow breaths. This starves your lungs of oxygen and affects your voice, leaving it sounding strained and quiet. Take deep breaths before you speak and work out places you can pause for another. Have a drink in front of you so you can take a sip and get a breath at the same time! Breathing properly is also the key to being able to…
6. PROJECT. Speak to the person at the back of the room, not the ones just in front of you. Even if you have a quiet voice everyone can do it, and we naturally do in other situations. Imagine the person at the back is the only one in the room and you’re trying to get their attention. Oh, and they’ve got headphones on. You need to get (and keep) their attention so make sure you’re speaking loudly and clearly.
7. Have a ‘plant’ in the audience. Read your speech to one of the guests beforehand who’s going to actually be at the wedding. Not only can they help you prepare, but they can also give you realtime feedback on how you’re doing. My friend Mark heard my speech the night before and when I started to rush it on the day he signalled to me to slow down… before that I had no idea I was rushing! After that I was absolutely fine and found when people could actually hear my jokes they laughed… when I rushed through them they didn’t!
8. If in doubt speak from the heart. Don’t worry about feeling stupid, your Grooms speech is about the only time you have the license to be honest and a bit emotional without people ridiculing you! Don’t just follow a script you found on the internet, people have heard it at other weddings. Tell the truth, tell a story, share something about your relationship or the story of how scary it was meeting your now in-laws. My wedding speech featured tales of “the curse” and the crazy things that have come between us! I used this to take the mickey out of myself a little… I wanted any ridiculing of me to be on my own terms!
9. Build to the joke. Unless you’re Jimmy Carr or Tim Vine then a one liner probably isn’t going to work for you. You don’t need a laugh every 10 seconds, tell a story and build to the joke… set ‘em up and knock ‘em down!
10. Play to your strengths… if you really can’t write anything then deliver it another way: make a video, print out photos, or think outside the box and do what McFly’s Tom Fletcher did…

Oh… and wait for the laughs and enjoy yourself… if you enjoy it they will too!