…It’s stag time! (Well, nearly anyway.)
Yep, this coming weekend the boys are back in town… well not so much back as just “in town”… well I assume it’s town anyway, for all I know it might be on a big rock in South Dakota dressed as Stags and running from a slightly miffed Mountain Lion distracted only by his latest patent dispute with the Apple corporation. As tradition dictates I know basically nothing about what’s soon to be occurring alongside my closest compadres, all I know is that this weekend I have been instructed to arrive in York for what could prove to be a brilliant, epic, surreal or just downright drunken couple of days.
Now, with no real idea of what to expect I have mixed feelings about the stag party. As best man my brother has made the arrangements and he is someone I trust implicitly and to whom I did mention that I’d quite like my stag to be enjoyable rather than painful for me. The trouble is that whilst he seemed to take this on board he may also be influenced by my mates who are pretty clear on the idea that the stag party is in no way supposed to be enjoyed by the stag himself and that the presence of the groom is merely necessary to facilitate the amusement of the guests via a process of his upmost humiliation. However, in my present state I fear that in even the least raucous affair may cause problems.
The trouble is that although I used to be able to drink many of my friends under the table, for the last four or five years I seem to have virtually always been the designated driver. Late working hours and a long commute have meant that long nights in the pub have become few and far between and I fear my resistance to alcohol may be heavily reduced… I can only hope my embarrassment doesn’t begin by finding myself down in one! On the other hand, a whiskey bottle having been ever present in the planning and particularly the payment stages of the wedding build-up may save me on this front!
So, with no idea what’s to come, just what the hell do you bring with you for a weekend Stag Party? Well here’s my list so far.
1. Aspirin. Sunday morning ain’t sounding too rosy after all!
2. A bottle of single Malt (gotta wash those tablets down with something haven’t you!)
3. A change of clothes.
4. Another change of clothes (god knows what might happen!)
5. Handcuff keys… can’t be too careful!
6. My passport… although not being able to leave the country might make the weekend less dangerous… unless they tie me to a log, stick me in the North sea and point me toward France or something…
7. A Deluminator… yep one of those things from Harry Potter that turns off all the lights… might be useful for escaping embarrassing moments!
8. Paintball grenades… paintballing seems quite  a common Stag activity and if I’m going down I’m taking everybody with me!!
9. Enough cash to get a taxi home if abandoned in the middle of nowhere… and enough cash to bribe a passerby to take me home if all else fails!
10. That thing from Men In Black that wipes everyone’s memories… one way or another what happens on the stag needs to stay on the stag!
Right, I’m packed up and ready to go so let the party begin! There’s only one thing left to say:
Grrroarbleurghbleeterrr….woof?!
(If you could just imagine the noise of a raging stag there that’d be much appreciated… just what the hell kind of noise do they make?!)
Ah well,
CHAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
Used to be able to drink your friends under the table??? Don’t forget the make up remover – you don’t want to look like rocky horror all week :-p
Well… some of them! 😉