Bride Vs Groom, and more specifically Dom and I would like to apologise to the UK for the current weather conditions. Given our irrefutably cursed condition and the fact that we have for the last week been embarking on a romantic endeavour (something that the curse clearly hates above all other things, I can’t help but feel that it can be no coincidence that the worst storm in however many years the weathermen are saying today is now attacking the UK.
“Surely you must be mistaken” I hear you say, “for surely the curse would have struck you in Portugal, not here in the UK where your holiday is already over?” Well yes, you would think, and indeed as we touched down somewhat fast and heavy upon the tarmac back in good ol’ Blighty it did for a moment cross my mind that our old friend Cursey had in fact taken the ultimate step, but in fact what I think we may have inadvertently done is offer proof of the existence of at least one deity, or at the very least a very overworked deity admin bod.
Now before the curse came along I didn’t really believe in such things and have also never been particularly religious. In fact I always described my religious beliefs as “a thinking agnostic.” I didn’t want to get branded as one of those lazy agnostics who just can’t be arsed making a decision – having given it an awful lot of thought neither religion nor science has yet provided enough evidence to convince me either way so I keep an open mind… but anyway this isn’t a religious debate, the point is that this seemingly missed strike on our holiday plans seems like it can only have gone one way… let me explain.
Mr Curse clearly ordered a storm from the Bad Things Happening To Good People Department but found had to wait 14 deity business days for delivery. Having finally dispatched it and found we were not available to receive it it has been forwarded on. However as we all know, Yorkshire being God’s own county presumably there are some additional forms to fill out and a lot of admin to do before you’re allowed to send a storm in. After all, you don’t want to cause so much disruption across the county that you start to affect the Gods’ tea supply now do you?
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Now some of you may by this point understandably be dismissing as nonsense my hypothesis, but you’re perhaps ignoring the timeline evidence here. Almost exactly a year ago we got married on a tropical Island where the weather had been nothing but sunny for 3 years. We had been planning the occasion for months and months (plenty of time to get any curse-based admin prep done) and of course the worst storm in living memory struck the Island on our wedding day. This year, however, the timing and destination of our holiday was left right up until the last minute, having booked a mere week before departing. AND we booked it after 6pm on a Saturday so we all know you can’t even place an order for a delivery (or indeed a storm) until Monday morning so there just wasn’t enough time for it to be arranged. I mean he could have paid extra for a next day, before 1pm kind of deal but those things cost a fortune and even Curses and Deities won’t pay for that on general principal.
Oh, and if further evidence be needed just to confirm that this definitely is a tactical strike; after returning from our Destination wedding last year we headed to the lake district where I swiftly got a flat tyre (and as it turned out a flat spare tyre as well). This year we were picked up by my in-laws from the airport to the news that my car once again has a flat tyre… and in trying to re-inflate the flat tyre with an automated pump, the car also now has a flat battery. Welcome home. So, in summary Britain, we’re sorry that it’s definitely not summery Britain.
