Marriage vows are a sacred thing, a legally binding promise and a guideline for how you intend to look after one another throughout your lives. They cover the key points in the marriage which are then agreed in writing via the signing of the register. But, caught up in the excitement of the ceremony and whilst posing for all those signing of the register photos it’s all too easy to miss those agreements hidden in the small print, particularly as many of these are of course inserted at the very last minute during those five or ten minutes when the registrar asks to speak to the bride in private before the ceremony. So today I thought I would let you know just what you might find hidden in there…
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Clause 1: Upon signature of the marriage agreement signatory B (henceforth to be referred to as “The Husband”) agrees to partake, without complaint or reference to higher quality programming, in the viewing of at least one hour per day of poor quality reality television.
Clause 2: The husband hereby agrees that all responsibility for the waking of both signatories shall pass with immediate effect from the previous waking body (henceforth referred to as “the alarm clock”) to the husband and accepts the terms of sub-clause 2.1 and 2.2 here presented:
2.1 The husband shall not wake signatory A (henceforth to be referred to as “the wife”) unless strictly necessary upon pain of death.
2.2 In such circumstances as it is only necessary for the wife to awake early the husband agrees to get up regardless to ensure the wife is up and to find her glasses. Liability for lateness to any appointment, regardless of involvement in aforementioned lateness or appointment, will hereby be afforded solely to the husband.
Clause 3: The husband agrees to apportion 50% of all available time to the provision of taxi driving services for either a) the wife or b) any future offspring. In the event of (b) time allocated may be increased without prior notice and without restriction.
Clause 4: The husband hereby agrees to forgo unequivocally any previously apportioned rights to being in the right and agrees that henceforth it is almost certainly his fault. He also agrees to apportion a minimum of 5% of his total earnings to the provision of flowers in apology for whatever the wife deems him to have done at any given moment.
Clause 5: The husband agrees that any dietary decisions selected by the wife will be adopted immediately by both signatories, regardless of how much the husband just spent stocking up on cake.
Clause 6: All legal rights to the wardrobe and the hanging of items therein are hereby granted solely to the wife. Any items of clothing belonging to the husband must henceforth magically disappear on a nightly basis and no remnants may, in any circumstances, be found in a pile on the floor.
Clause 7: The husband hereby agrees to take sole responsibility for the removal of any insects or other creatures found in the residence of the signatories. Responsibility for all loft based activity shall also rest solely with the husband.
So there we have it! Whatever you do, even if you have a church full of people waiting for you, always read the small print, you never know what you might find in there!
