Going out to a wedding or indeed any kind of “dress to impress” event is, as it turns out, incredibly stressful. I never used to think this was the case – I would simply put on my suit, choose which tie to use that day and if I passed a mirror on the way out I might check my hair hadn’t become too offensive. If it turns out that a suit is overdressed for the event I would take my jacket off when I get to the door. However since getting married (and sharing a joint account) I’ve noticed that in fact it really isn’t as simple as all that. The problem it would seem is that whilst we chaps may, if we’re particularly vain, rotate two or three suits which we’re more than happy to wear again and again, it is actually a physical impossibility for women to wear any item of clothing they have ever worn before to any such event.
Actually this isn’t strictly true, normal day to day clothes can be worn quite happily on more than one occasion, indeed the fun seems to be in accessorising them differently to make each outfit look slightly different. However when it comes to the most expensive dresses and ludicrously priced shoes these must be worn once and then immediately cast aside never to be seen again. Otherwise some right wing section of the fashion police will hunt you down and beat you over the head with a designer handbag.
What surprises me most perhaps is women’s ability to memorise every single outfit in the room and log for future reference any apparel already worn. I’ll be honest and say I can barely remember what I wore yesterday, let alone to some swanky party over a year ago. Yet clearly all females possess either a strong eidetic memory capable of recalling every last detail, or carry with them in those tiny impractical handbags a notebook detailing every outfit ever worn by every woman they have ever met/seen at a party in order that they may look upon re-wearing offenders with scorn and a touch of derision.
.jpg)
Image Source: lovelyjubblyphotography.com
It doesn’t stop there though. It would seem that these mental notes are then transmitted psychically to a central database from whence they are distributed to the guests of any future parties. This ensures that even if the next party you go to is one full of people you have never met, still the same dress cannot be worn for they shall know and shall be heavily armed with sharpened stilettos just waiting for you to put a foot wrong. At this point you can only pray that it’s a black-tie event and that your companion is wearing his tuxedo in order that he might protect you with the Walther PPK finger pistol that comes free as standard with all tuxedos.
Sadly though no matter how many offers you make of a rapid escape in your Aston Martin Fiesta this reasoning will rarely be taken on board, and so you must merely surrender your wallet, resign yourself to the customary search for the most sparkly and thereby inherently painful shoes and settle in to that seat next to the changing rooms whilst she finds a dress she accepts she doesn’t look fat in (even if you have seen more fat on a piece of diet lettuce).
Thank god the art of wearing clothes is so much simpler for us guys.
Hang on… my invite just says “dress appropriately!” What does that mean?? Is that suit and tie? Jeans and a shirt?? A Darth Vader costume??? QUICK!! PANIC!! JUST BUY EVERYTHING!!!
See? Much simpler.
Very amusing, men are from mars women are from venus afterall 🙂