SOS, EMERGENCY.

SOS, EMERGENCY. IF YOU FIND THIS PLEASE ALERT AUTHORITIES… POSSIBLY EVEN BANANAMAN.

LOCATION: Unknown

DATE: Unknown

TIME: Way past afternoon tea time.

 If you are reading this letter then know that I am being held against my will, forced to search for intel on a top secret operation codenamed WEDLOCK. My captor refuses me tea unless I bow to her demands: I am powerless to refuse. So far I have given up only non-sensitive details; operation STAG has not been compromised but I fear I may crack under further scrutiny. I have never experienced torture such as this: The Wedding Channel plays on constant loop interspersed only with episodes of Don’t Tell The Bride and I am chained to a laptop and forced to read endless documents about the provision of canapés day and night. I can only assume there is some highly encoded message hidden between descriptions of wedding breakfasts: a term that stands out as a clear encrypted marker when compared with its scheduled timing in each of the examined documents.

My captor keeps me under constant surveillance. She monitors the contents of my screen and copies the details of anything she remarks as interesting to another device. Even when she does leave the room, still I am never alone. A vicious guard dog patrols the area and from the looks it grants me and its clear devotion to its mistress I fear I have little hope of escape. I have managed to secure a small amount of chicken legs from one of the other captives and using these to distract the beast I have managed to escape his glare long enough to write this letter in the hopes that a Black Ops rescue by Groomsmen squad is not insurmountable.

I believe that they may have hidden highly sensitive material in a high security area on the second floor. From overheard snatches of whispered conversation I believe this to be schematics for some form of powerful armoured dress capable of “stunning” the enemy. They talk often of its potential to “take his breath away” and I confess that I fear I may become the test subject for this mighty deoxygenating technology.

I have befriended one of the other captives and we have attempted an escape on several occasions. However our captor wears some sort of ring of power that she uses to hinder our getaway. My fellow prisoner believes that I will only be able to counter its power if I can place another neutralising ring beside it on her hand. He claims that whilst this will not allow my escape it will reduce my punishment to mere washing up and vacuuming around the house.

Please help. I can offer no cash reward (my captor has gained access to my bank account and uses it to purchase items from my research) but I have discovered an intoxicating elixir that has helped me in my troubles which I will share willingly with any rescuer. I fear I must cut this communication short as I may be discovered at any time.

Get this message to my second in command, agent Bestman. He will know what to do.

 Matt. AKA The Groom.