Dom and I have been together a long time and though like any couple we’ve had our ups and downs and perhaps the odd fallout (usually stemming from Dom’s lack of understanding that football is in fact more important than washing up…or most things come to think of it…) anyway on the whole I think we’ve been pretty happy! (I appreciate I may be speaking for myself here, though she did agree to marry me so it can’t all have been bad!). We’ve been through the hard times and the good together and even before I proposed I think we knew that we would spend the rest of our lives together. However a few years ago I discovered that I had a fierce rival for Dom’s affections, and in the form of one of my best friends!
At first I thought it was purely plutonic: the relationship of a close friend, maybe even a sister; but it gradually became apparent that he wanted something more. I don’t know when it was I realised; maybe it was the long walks they took together, maybe it was when they fell asleep together, his head resting smugly on her lap. Or perhaps it was the first time he sat with her on the sofa and started licking her face in a slightly crazed fashion before my very eyes.
Yes the rival of whom I speak is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel; Dom’s dog, known affectionately by Dom and her family as “Paddington Bear Marmalade Shaw”, and by me as “Small Dog”. Normally we get along just fine; we share some common interests, namely food and sleeping, but when I get close to Dom young Paddington is known to enter a jealous rage, and is oft to take to his bear alter ego in an attempt to fend me off. Bared teeth, loud barking and farting in my general direction are just a few of his favoured methods. So just how did the small dog greet the news of our engagement?
Not well. Dominique assures me that this is just paranoia on my part, that a creature that openly sniffs the posteriors of strangers can’t possibly understand the complexities of love and can certainly not comprehend what it is to be engaged. For me Paddington’s reactions that night confirmed otherwise!
Dom and I crashed out together on the living room sofa following a beautiful Christmas Eve dinner and having shared with Dom’s family the news that we were to be married. Paddington had spent the meal staring at me with eyes not so much of the puppy dog but more of the bear sizing up it’s prey; my offerings of Turkey greeted with an upturned nose,
whilst Dom’s were gulped down greedily.
As we sat down beside one another and I placed my arm around my new fiancee’s shoulders scarcely a moment had passed before we heard the familiar pounding of four rapidly moving legs coming ever closer. Suddenly he was between us, pouncing onto the sofa and trying with all his (rather surprising) strength to push me away whilst cuddling up to his mistress. Succeeding in prizing us apart and taking all of Dom’s affection, he began to ‘kiss’ her to many proclamations of “awwww” and “isn’t he sweet”. Only I seemed to know the truth, this was not the act of presumed affection but one of utter jealousy. I could not allow Small Dog to win or he would forever hold the power in this extraordinary love triangle.
Fortunately I had a trump card! “Look how much your DIAMOND ring sparkles in this light” I said, drawing her attention back away from Small Dog (now scrawled across Dom’s knee and giving me a look of such impressive and unadulterated smugness that is seemed almost unfeasible on such a furry face). My words had the desired effect. “awww wow it really does doesn’t it!” she replied as she ushered a crestfallen canine from her person and moved closer to me.
Now Paddington is not one to give up easily (an admirable attitude but one that ensures that games of ‘fetch’ are somewhat tedious). As Dom wrapped her arms around me I could see she was going for a kiss, something that had also not escaped Small Dog’s attentions. As she moved closer and I closed my eyes in preparation for a tender moment, something small and furry collided firmly with the side of my head, pushing me off the sofa and damn near knocking me out: a low flying quadruped launching himself from the backrest of the sofa with some ferocity! As I lay on the floor looking up at the kamikaze canine in stunned silence, Dom, now in fits of laughter seemed not to notice as Paddington stepped lightly back onto her lap and settled himself in the perfect position from which to look down his long nose at me.
Sitting on the floor in an absolute daze I looked on with astonishment as Paddington sniffed at the ring, turned his back to it and proceeded to sit directly over Dom’s outstretched ring finger. Now some would say the symbolism of this moment could not be deliberate but may I remind you that this is not your average uneducated mongrel but a dog whose namesake is a literary icon… he knew exactly what he was doing! I watched on with a strange mix of intrigue and horror as suddenly I recalled how dog’s ultimately choose to mark their territory… Fortunately for Dom Paddington seemed to have decided he had made his point, content to see me take a seat at the opposite end of the room, separated from my fiancée for the first night of our engagement.
They say that a dogs love for its owner is unquestioning and unconditional; a true lifelong partnership. This could be a long battle! Fortunately I have discovered a chink in this mighty rival’s armour: his love of Dominique is bettered only by his love of poultry! Give him some chicken to eat and he’ll happily leave anyone alone however much he loves them! So according to my calculations it takes one Small Dog approximately 15 minutes to finish one whole chicken, each roast chicken costs around £3.50, that’s £14 per hour… This is going to be one expensive romantic dinner! Hang on there’s a simpler solution:
“Paddington, is that a cat in the garden? Go get the cat, go get the cat, good boy…” (Sound of scurrying feet)
“Dom, quick get the candles…no there’s no time to wash your hands, what do you mean Paddington’s been licking them??? No there’s no chicken left… no we’re having pedigree chum.”
Dogs. Man’s best friend.
Brilliant, as a rival to a protective pooh myself you have my sympathies. Loving your new blog guys 🙂