The Monday Musings: Observations of a wedding professional

Despite my “Gormless Groom” beginnings I’ve now been writing about weddings, filming weddings and putting together my own wedding for quite a while now and over the time I’ve been doing all this I’ve made a few observations:

1. No group of boys will ever start getting ready at the time they’ve actually been told to. We only need 10 minutes after all! Of course we do have an unfortunate tendency to forget that those ten minutes each can’t necessarily overlap…particularly the shower bit…awkward!!
2. However early the Bride’s getting ready session begins there will always somehow be a mad panic at the end. Your mum will always have suggested you start an hour earlier and have a smug “I told you so” expression on her face when you’re late.
3. At no point in the long history of weddings has a best man answered “yes” to the question “are you looking forward to your speech?”
4. No groom or usher has ever put on a button hole correctly without outside assistance. No buttonhole has EVER been deliberately placed on the correct side. Now be honest, you know that was a pure fluke…
5. No internet guide on how to tie a bow-tie has ever resulted in a correctly tied bow-tie.
6. Every best man will at some point panic and think they’ve forgotten the rings. Relax, they’re in the other pocket. Oh… weren’t you wearing that other waistcoat earlier…?
7. Putting a ring on someone else’s finger is really bleedin’ difficult!! One can only hope that bleeding bit is purely a figure of speech.
8. No groom knows which finger is their ring finger. We just pray the Bride prompts us or make sure we’ve bought big enough engagement rings that we can just aim for the sparkly thing.
9. A child will always cry during the marriage vows. Even if no children appear to be present. Seriously, it’s crazy!
10. Vintage buses became ‘vintage’ rather than ‘active’ for a reason. They do NOT like hills!
11. The ‘Uncle Bob’ photographer is omnipresent. Despite being at every wedding that has ever taken place since the dawn of time he still doesn’t actually know how to use a camera. Honestly, whoever gains access to the Uncle Bob club and has the foresight to offer photography lessons BEFORE they spend £3k on a camera could be onto a real goldmine!
12. If you provide a ‘sweetie’ station any children present will actually run around in circles on the dance floor until either the end of the night or until they pass out with the excitement. The same applies to wedding photographers.
13. Every videographer using a digital SLR camera will be mistaken for a photographer. Every guest that spots them will then stop and pose for a picture. Guests will pose for up to 45 seconds without you actually taking a picture and having to reveal you’re actually filming them.
14. If you can write a catchy tune with the words “I think I wanna marry you” in it you can officially retire on the royalties.
15. Dads genuinely can’t dance. Stop it.