It occurs to me that amongst all the advice on different bouquets, bouttoniere’s, rings, seat covers (oh good lord not the seat covers!) and all the crazy planning that goes into one of these wedding thingies, we’ve never actually talked through how the day itself works. Now most of you reading this already know pretty much what happens, but from my observations of working on countless weddings, attending plenty as guests and planning our own I thought I’d share with you how the wedding day tends to pan out. For the sake of this example we will assume we’re aiming for a 12.00pm ceremony and that the Bride and Groom don’t need to travel too far to get there!
07.00 – 11.00am (or anywhere in-between) The Bride is getting ready. This tends to involve a whirlwind of hair curlers, hair straighteners and other hair-related paraphernalia that seem to counteract each other. Putting the dress on will take an average of 1.5hrs no matter how many dresses you’ve put on in under five minutes so allow plenty of time!
10.20 – 10.30am (or anywhere in-between) The Groom is getting ready. This involves a 2minute shower, some hair gel and up-to 1minute putting on the suit. If a shave is absolutely necessary you may allow an extra five minutes.
10.30 – 11.20am The Groom and his Groomsmen are having a cheeky drink and probably playing some cards. (Don’t tell the bride!)
11.00 – 12pm The Bride panics that no-one’s ready and she has to leave soon
11.20am The Groom realises he doesn’t know how to tie a cravat
11.22am Everyone in the room realises they don’t know how to tie a cravat.
11.25am The first “how to tie a cravat” guide is triumphantly found on google.
11.40am The Mother of the Groom arrives to tie everyone’s cravat.
11.45am The Groom and groomsmen set off for the ceremony.
12.00pm The Groom arrives at the church to meet his guests.
12.15pm The first Bridal car pulls up with the Bridesmaids
12.35pm The car returns and the Bride steps out
12.45pm The ceremony begins
12.46pm A baby starts crying
13.30pm The signing of the register
13.35pm The fake signing of the register for the photos… you can’t photograph the actual signing of the legal document in case you spill photography juice on it or something…
13.45pm Bride and Groom step out for the first time as husband and wife.
13.50pm The guests are allowed to start drinking in earnest and the hugs, congratulations and group photos begin.
14.25pm The Bride and Groom get pelted with rice, confetti and occasionally whatever the page boys and flower girls happen to be holding in their hand at the time… I recommend not giving them boiled sweets in the lead up to this moment!
14.30pm Bride and Groom are whisked away to the reception venue, usually via a few stops to take photographs
15.00pm The guests are assembled at the reception and plied with champagne and canapés
15.05pm One of the guests realises that if they strategically position themselves near the door they can intercept the waiters with the canapés and get in there first. The best man, meanwhile, finds himself a position at the bar where he can suitably “prepare” for his speech.
15.30pm Bride and Groom arrive at the reception
15.45pm The meal begins
17.30pm Dessert is completed, the teas and coffees are finished off (assuming I’m not present at the wedding myself otherwise the teas are still free-flowing), the champagne is served and the Father of the Bride stands and delivers his speech.
17.45pm – 18.00pm (or anywhere in-between depending on how much he wants to embarrass his daughter and how much he’s had to drink) The Father of the Bride completes his speech. The Groom’s speech begins.
18.00pm – 18.20pm (or anywhere in-between) The Groom bows to the inevitable and hands over to the best-man for his character assassination.
18.25pm The Groom realises he can never look his mother in the eye again.
18.45pm All speeches completed, everyone heads to the bar whilst the room is reset for the dancing.
19.30pm Any kids present take to the dance floor and dance as only children can.
21.00pm The couple pretend to cut the cake
21.10pm Everyone’s got their picture and the couple actually cut the cake!
21.15pm The couple share their first dance as husband and wife.
22.00pm The Evening buffet is served. One of the Groomsmen decides it’s time to make his move on the Bridesmaid he’s been eyeing up all day.
22.30pm Your dad takes to the dance floor and dances as only dad can.
22.45pm The DJ plays Bruno Mars “I think I wanna Marry You”. Somewhere in the world Bruno is momentarily distracted by the sound of a cash entering his bank account.
23.00pm One of the groomsmen is forced to step in and forcibly remove your dad from the dance floor before he breaks anyone else’s toes.
23.30pm The Bride, having had a few glasses of bubbly by this point, realises that hardly anyone’s had any cake and insists everyone eat copious amounts.
23.55pm Only the hardcore dancing friends remain. The Groom is asked subtly by the bride to intervene and stop his Groomsman drunkenly proclaiming his love for the bridesmaid.
00.30am The DJ plays his final song. Everyone hugs. A lot.
01.00am The Bride and Groom say their final farewells and depart, ready to start their lives together as husband and wife.
09.00am The hangovers begin…
