It’s come to my attention that although every wedding is wonderfully unique to each individual couple, there are certain things that will always be the same no matter whose wedding it is. There will always be a panicked moment when the the best-man checks the wrong pocket for the rings, the vows will always be accompanied by the sound of handbags being discreetly scoured for a packet of tissues, there will always be one child that screams just at the key moment of the ceremony and the same universal wedding characters will always reveal themselves, usually as the dance floor starts to heat up and the drinks are flowing! Don’t know what who I mean? Let me break it down for you:

The Wedding DJ:

For a long time all wedding DJ’s seemed to be 80’s throwbacks who enjoyed nothing more than playing the Grease mega-mix and making muffled jokes down the mic that no-one could either hear or understand. However the stereotype is being challenged by a new rival: the young trendy DJ that starts well but gradually gets carried away and starts to think they’re Tim Westwood, laying down the bass canon like they’re rocking the floor at the Ministry of sound – BOOM!

Uncle Bob:

Uncle Bob loves his gadgets – look around the room and you’ll spot him immediately – he’s the one standing 2feet behind the official photographer telling them how to direct their shot and asking whether or not they’re using “sport” mode on their camera. He enjoys nothing more than explaining about all the equipment he has whilst holding a £300 Digital SLR with an atomic flash brighter than the sun in one hand, camcorder in the other and a huge 1940’s tripod strapped to his back. ‘Course in Uncle Bob’s day they didn’t use this digital nonsense, he had a medium format 6×6 24-70 1.2 telephoto lens with a gradient filter and a built in cup-holder. In fact that was the camera they used to get that winning sunset picture in the local camera club!

Li’l Beyonce:

The second a Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Rihanna or Jessie J track is played get ready for some enthusiastic pre-choreographed dance routines as several li’l Beyonce’s skip to the dance-floor. Often no-one even knows who these children are or remembers seeing them at any point during the day and yet they mysteriously appear without fail. Their moves are always perfectly in-sync despite having never met one another and, though copied move-for-move from their favourite pop-stars the dance is  generally thoroughly inappropriate for their age. Li’l Beyonce will stay on the floor dancing somewhat over-zealously until such point as the DJ plays a track from before the year 2000, at which point they will pull an unimpressed facial expression and run around in circles before becoming tired and hiding under the table.

The Vultures:

As the night progresses one table will be given over to that group of ladies that like nothing more than a good natter interspersed with group dancing and looking after that one member of the group that really can’t handle her drink! They spend the evening having a nice little critique of the wedding and discussing what they would have done differently.They also can’t quite believe what that Natalie they used to go to school with is wearing, what WAS she thinking?!

Uncle Dick:

Uncle Dick was last on the guest list. He’s the one your mum said you had to invite, he is family after all. He’s also the one that spends every social occasion getting hammered and making the kind of jokes that clear the table so quickly you’ve had to base your seating plan around who would be least offended sitting near him. This includes those with ineffective hearing aids and the odd sacrificial third cousin that you’ve only met once anyway. In short, Uncle Dick is a right DI…fficult man to be around.

Grandma:

DISCLAIMER: Some readers may find this paragraph disturbing.

Everyone loves Grandma: she’s so proud of her little granddaughter getting married, she’s spent the day regaling anyone who would listen (and many that wouldn’t) with tales of how when the bride was little she would put a pillowcase on her head and marry her teddy. In fact she’s told you this four times in the last 3 minutes. She’s sweet, she’s adorable, she just can’t believe how beautiful the bride looks. However something is wrong. For future reference, Grandma should never, EVER be given alcohol. For when Grandma has a glass of champers she becomes FLIRTY GRANDMA! Flirty Grandma is up there on the floor, twirling and jiving to the Pussycat Dolls like its 1924. She will flirt outrageously with every young man on the dance-floor until only the best-man remains, for it is his sworn Best-man oath to deal with such situations whilst Bride and Groom cower in embarrassment. Unfortunately Grandma will not be removed from the floor until she receives a kiss on the cheek from a handsome young man. “Don’t cha wish your Grandma was hot like me?”

The Single Groomsman:

For some reason it is inevitably the case that the best man is recently married, as are most of the groomsmen. With the arrival of the wives the groomsmen group is instantly disbanded and laddish behaviour will be replaced by loved-up wedding soppiness. At this time one solitary figure will remain. He, being the only predator left in the pack, feels it is his right, nay his obligation to attempt, in long established tradition, to copulate with the bridesmaids. He will spend his evening sidling up to each in turn and performing a mating dance ritual whilst simultaneously checking their fingers for any wedding bands. He is often found making inappropriate jokes and going back and forth with trays of drinks for all of the ladies before, with a hidden pinch of his posterior he gleefully believes he has caught his prey at last. However, as is his wont in life, he will inevitably spin around to find he has succeeded only in seducing flirty grandma. Single Groomsman is sadly destined to spend much of the evening running for his life and bribing his friends to hide Grandma’s zimmer frame and is often forced to depart without saying farewell to the newlyweds.

Dad:

It is a strange and inexplicable yet undeniably proven fact that when you become a father you lose any dance ability you once had, however poor you were to begin with. However it is one of life’s little facts and you learn to live with it. You’re not bothered about dancing anyway, the stuff they play these days isn’t even music, it’s just noise really. You’re quite happy to just sit quietly with your pint and watch everyone else having a good time. Then something happens. As the alcohol moves slowly through your body it eventually reaches your right foot and it, autonomously, begins to tap. As you reach down to stop your foot you realise that your fingers too are tapping along to the drum beat. Suddenly the cause is clear as your brain finally recognises the beat and you find yourself subconsciously moving towards the dance floor: the DJ is playing Aerosmith Walk this Way…it’s Air Guitar Time!

All look on in horror as dad skids across on his knees to that classic solo and strums his invisible (and worryingly low hanging) guitar with increasingly elaborate gestures. The only hope for the guests is that this will last for only one song. Sadly with the arrival of Chesney Hawkes’ One and Only air guitar is only replaced by the classic dad dance with feet routed firmly to the floor and arms flailing around wildly. Truly Disturbing for all to behold and usually the cause of several eye-poke related injuries. Still, at least he’ll be the only one that doesn’t remember it in the morning.

And this is where weddings become truly unique occasions, for none of these characters exist in the natural world; only at weddings (and the occasional office christmas party) do they emerge from their hidden dens and reveal themselves to the rest of civilised society. But do not fail to invite them, do not ask for best behaviour, for when you look back upon your wedding in decades yet to come there shall they be, engrained forever in your memories; for the wedding crowd are the charm, the laughter, the everlasting stories and the reason god invented YouTube.

So, when the tables are cleared, the floor is readied and the DJ’s decks are armed, ladies and gentlemen of the wedding crowd, Walk this Way because they’re playing your song…

“DON’T stop me now…. DON’T stop me cos I’m having a good time, having a good time…”

Oh dear, Grandma’s at it again!