The Wedding Diaries – Stagged Out

Last week I mused about my concerns for my upcoming stag party… as it turns out I really needn’t have feared! Yes despite my having spent the previous night with my head resting softly against a porcelain pillow and regardless of regaining the ability to stand mere hours before the rest of the herd arrived, my stag weekend was… AWESOME!! Though I had no idea whether I would be able to get through the day plagued with illness as I was, I was determined that I would enjoy as much as I was able and that everyone else should have a great time. Assuming, that is, that having chosen a radially flooding York as our venue, there were any bars left! As it happened, I enjoyed every bit of it, and I reckon the lads had a pretty good time too!

We started the day with something I’d never done before: Go Karting! This was one part of the day I had known was happening for some time and had been looking forward to, although I really wasn’t sure how good I’d be. I drive a Mondeo – a car known more for it’s excellent safety record and spacious boot than its hair-pin manoeuvring and ability to power-slide. It also appeared on paper to be about the worst possible thing for a man with a stomach complaint to partake in, although that wasn’t about to stop me! I mean they’re only little and they don’t even have gears….how hard can it be?!

I set off, ready to burn some rubber with only one rule… my foot would never touch the brake! And, sure enough, as I sped off and picked up speed coming into the first hairpin I….braked like crazy!!! In fact I came to a complete standstill, and, after getting going again they actually had to tell me to stop braking and accelerating at the same time…well duh! Still, I thought, it was only qualifying, no-one else would be going to be any g… I was corrected as two of the three other drivers lapped me! I picked it up quickly though and by the start of the actual race I was one of the three fastest on the track… ok the third fastest by some margin but lets not quibble about details!

Our pre-race safety briefing had included the instruction not to try too hard to block other drivers getting past or else risk receiving a penalty. This was an instruction largely followed in a spirit of sportsmanship with the faster drivers managing to slip past their opponents relatively unchallenged. I noticed however that as the race wore on my attempts to overtake seemed quite successfully blocked on each occasion. Perhaps I was simply not choosing the correct line or displaying the finesse of my fellow drivers though? I became a little more suspicious,however, when one of my future relations (who had at times practically waved people through with the air of somebody on a nice Sunday morning drive in the countryside) cut me off and drove me straight into a tyre wall at high speed!  The post race assurances of “oh I didn’t know that was you Matt” did little to convince me! Still, a podium finish for the team was good enough for me at a first attempt!

Of course, when surrounded by blokes on a weekend basically designed to get the Stag well and truly hammered, illness is not an acceptable excuse! And so, after eating something for the first time in 28 hours and having already received much ridicule for my initial punt for a J20, I drank my first pint of the day. I felt…ok! Learning that in a matter of hours I had gone from being unable to consume liquids at all to managing to drink beers and, as it turned out, Jagerbombs! And so I did what any sensible man would do in this situation… I kept drinking!!

Have you ever been Wine tasting? Holding a little of the wine in your mouth before spitting it out and never actually drinking a drop? Well that’s just ridiculous! You should try Whisky tasting… 5 large drams of finest single malt (and to be called Whisky it must be at least 40% alcohol so we were informed) where the scots don’t mess about… you drink up every last drop! Needless to say the questions became gradually more slurred as we converted a few non-believers to full-blown Whisky connoisseurs in this next activity!

After the Whisky tasting we went… er… well we went for a huge Wetherspoons breakfast! Ok there may have been something else happening in the many many hours in-between but you know the rules, what happens on the stag stays on the stag! (I can’t help feeling that that might be because the stag can’t normally remember the rest though!)

What I can tell you though is firstly that it was a brilliant last night out as a singleton and secondly that after lots of drinking and no sleep…

I am officially Stagged Out!